Healing Childhood’s Well-Intended Messages…

“You can’t tell him you like him”, said a very significant person in my life. This person was someone I held in high regard, so of course I listened to the advice. Accepting this restrictive piece of wisdom, at the tender young age of 16, shaped my relationships from that day forward.

Unfortunately, I lived the rest of my teenage years, and early adult life, believing I wasn’t supposed to tell the boys and men in my life that I liked them. Many budding love relationships were thwarted, due to my inability to show my interest, much less my true feelings.

It wasn’t until I gave this same piece of advice to a friend, when she first met the love of her life, that maybe the advice was incorrect. I’d been living in Sweden as an exchange student during my sophomore year in college. One of the American students had fallen for a Swedish guy. The two of them were true soulmates… spending every minute with each other during that school year and eventually marrying. When I noticed she was starting to show an interest in this guy, I told her, “You don’t want to let him know you like him”. She looked at me, giggled, and said, “Of course I’m going to tell him I like him!” I was shocked!

She was doing something I had been told to never do. From that day forward… I shared my interest with the men who liked me. Unfortunately, part of the advice still lived on inside of me. When I met a guy I was interested in, I had to wait for them to show interest in me. The freedom to share my feelings was firmly in place in my mind, but STILL, I could not allow myself to pursue someone I wanted to get to know better… that was his role.

This piece of advice cost me many fun and happy times, as I was growing into adulthood. The fear of sharing my feelings around guys excluded me from many opportunities. The first opportunity was when a wonderful, male friend told me he was going to buy me a Christmas present. My programming inside told me to ignore him… maybe our friendship was turning into a relationship… something more than I was instructed to accept. I wanted so desperately to give him a gift in return, but that would mean I was telling him I liked him...Heaven Forbid!

The close friendship I had with this adorable, fun-loving guy, was ruined by the advice given to me. Our gift conversation was the last one between the two of us. What was once a joyful, heartfelt friendship between two good buddies was now a series of avoidance situations. This was the first friendship I rejected and it broke my heart! Unfortunately, I missed out on what could have been a beautiful relationship with an awesome guy.

The second situation I recall was when I mustered-up enough courage to invite a fabulous guy, I had a terrible crush on, to Sadie Hawkins. I adored this guy… he was charming, had a great sense of humor, fun-loving, and a great conversationalist. Unfortunately, during dinner, I was too shy to speak-up. Luckily, he and the couple we’d gone to dinner with carried most of the conversation. The evening ended with a hug and a thank you. I beat myself up for years because I wasn’t able to be myself. This guy never got to know the real me.

The third relationship I ruined was with my first husband. Since he pursued me, I felt comfortable telling him I loved him. I loved him more than he ever knew, but never felt I could fully be myself. We were both young and our relationship was built on having fun together. After our wedding, he went out to sea. While he was gone we had sporadic communication which caused me great angst.

While my husband was not communicating with me, my father was in the hospital and my grandmother was dying. Even though he knew what was happening in my life, he still didn’t communicate.

When he came back to the States, after four months at sea, it was Christmas time. When his ship came into port, I greeted him with open arms, but I noticed he was distant toward me. Eventually, I found out he’d had two women while he was away. The first one was a one night stand, but the second one enticed him into having a long distance relationship. He wined and dined her all in every port across Australia... while I was at home waiting for letters from him.

Just as I was leaving to return to my home state, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t know why. I was devastated. I HAD noticed a slight change in his behavior toward me since he’d been back stateside. Every time he came back to me, after working on the ship, he was less demonstrative, but when we were together, it felt like we were newlyweds.

Fourteen months after we were married, we divorced. Immediately, the Australian woman came to the States to join him. The first few years together was quite difficult. After they had their first child, his wife moved back to Australia. One year later, my ex-husband was less than honorably discharged from the military. He moved to Australia, to be with his family, and less than two years later, he died.

When I went to visit his grave, which was located in his home state of North Carolina, I spent time with his mom. At her house, where we’d lived for a short time, I placed a photo of him in a chair and started to talk with him. I had been instructed by a friend to look at his picture then ask for him to come and talk with me. It worked!

I asked him why he’d cheated on me. I also told him I wanted to have my heart back. Not my whole heart… just the piece I’d given him when we got married. I wanted to be able to give it to another man, if I ever felt strong enough to let another one in.

During the discussion, I received messages in my head that were different from the ones I had been thinking during the seven years since I’d seen him. He told me he never knew if I really loved him. He also said when the woman from Australia showered him with attention, he felt she was a better choice.

To heal from this painful relationship, I thought about what he’d told me and decided I needed to share my feelings when I fell in love with someone. Hiding my heart was Six weeks after I left his grave, I met the love of my life, Jim!

“Hiding your heart is a fool’s game to play. So is gathering love just to lock it away.

What you have in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. It’s not love ‘til you give it away”

~David Roth~singer and songwriter~

Here is a link to his song… it’s quite meaningful to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuIoat971Zk

~This was another difficult story for me to write. The last thing I would want someone to think is that I'm blaming my parents for giving me the advice that changed my life. I believe everything happens for a reason and there are lessons and blessings to learn from each situation we encounter.

Initially, I struggled to see the blessings in this story… but I felt strongly that this message needed to be told. Many people listen to their parents, teachers, ministers, and other people in authority because they want to be “good” or “obedient” children.

If I would have listened to my heart, and asked the simple question, “Why?”, my life would have turned out very differently. I missed out on many exciting and joyful opportunities throughout my life because I never questioned the person who gave me that life-altering advice.

However, my life would have turned out differently if this experience never took place. I LOVE the life I've lived and have no regrets about the events that have taken place since I spoke-up and shared my feelings with my late husband, Jim!

Blessings Embraced:

• Speak-up and question if something doesn’t feel right.

• Seeing strong held beliefs from a different perspective can change your life.

• Connecting with departed loved ones brings answers.

• Everything happens for a reason.

• Putting closure on a relationship brings healing.

Affirmation: I listen to my heart and pursue my dreams.